Quick hits.

The Messenger spacecraft has just beamed back the first images of the hidden side of Mercury, including this fantastic one, along with other surprises.

Meanwhile the Opportunity Mars rover, originally scheduled for a 90-day mission, just marked its fourth year of sending back information.

"A man, 24, was cited for discharging a firearm within city limits after he accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun that he tried to tuck into his pants."

I've long joked that my kids should be called Russell Sprouts, but this guy has done me one better.

Great video of hummingbird babies from hatching to leaving the nest. Watching them get fed, though, it looks like they're being impaled.

PZ Myers spots the perfect symbol for America under Bush: desert camo trailer hitch testicles emblazoned with a yellow ribbon on the left nut.

Via John Emerson, lose weight the natural way: with sanitized tapeworms.

"You know how it is - after you've broken your hip wrestling your best friend in jelly, you just want to sue someone."

Putting the error in terrorism.

"Coming down the stairs, he fell down and exploded."

Je suis un grand canard.

This peanut looks like a duck.

Rare Natural Phenomena

There is a strange orange-ish disc hovering low in the sky this morning. The natives call it "Sun." How quaint.

Making fast dance.

Why I'm too tired to blog like I once did.

Oink.

Cyclops the piglet.

Double the growlin', double the groove.

These were originally two different mixes, but they got finished about the same time, so instead Unfunkked 4 is a two-disc installation in the series. The first disc is mostly sleazy funk, the second one is mostly uptempo Southern soul. Album art and track listings are below. Related Carolina trivia: Betty Davis, quite possibly the baddest woman in the last fifty years of music, was born and raised here in Durham and Johnny Bristol was from Morganton.

Unfunkked 4

Disc One: Rubber
01 The Undisputed Truth - Poontang
02 Side Effect - Life Is What You Make It
03 Chairmen of the Board - Finders Keepers
04 ConFunkShun - Chase Me
05 Betty Davis - Nasty Gal
06 Tami Lynn - Mo Jo Hanna
07 Rufus Thomas - Funky Mississippi
08 Johnny Adams - I Don't Worry Myself
09 Maze - Color Blind
10 Sandy Gaye - Watch the Dog
11 Greg Perry - Where There's Smoke, There's Fire
12 American Gypsy - Slip and Slide
13 Bobby Womack - Communication
14 The Controllers - The Reaper
15 Little Beaver - Money Vibrations
16 Rasputin Stash - Middle Man
17 Doris Allen - Hanging Heavy on My Mind
18 Jody Gayles - You Gotta Push
19 Act One - Bumpin' from the Middle
20 Leon Haywood - Daydream
21 Mutiny - Burning Up

Disc Two: Grits
01 David Ruffin - I Want You Back
02 Tyrone Davis - Can I Change My Mind?
03 Honey Cone - Want Ads
04 The Marvellettes - I'm Gonna Hold On as Long as I Can
05 Margie Joseph - You Better Know It
06 Lee Moses - Time and Place
07 King Floyd - It's Not What You Say
08 Chuck Armstrong - Shackin' Up
09 Al Wilson - I'm Out to Get You
10 100 Proof Aged in Soul - Somebody's Been Sleeping (In My Bed)
11 Skull Snaps - I Turn My Back on Love
12 Johnny Bristol - I Got Your Number
13 Betty LaVette - He Made a Woman Out of me
14 Laura Lee - Wedlock Is a Padlock
15 Denise LaSalle - The Deeper I Go
16 James & Bobby Purify - I Take What I Want
17 The New Birth - Ain't No Change
18 Benny Johnson - It's Yours, Baby
19 Liz Lands - One Man's Poison
20 Rosalind Madison - Fancy
21 8th Day - She's Not Just Another Woman
22 Clarence Murray - Dancing to the Beat
23 Sir Joe Quarterman - Find Yourself
24 Joe Tex - I Gotcha
25 Wayne Cochran - Goin' Back to Miami
26 Ike & Tina Turner - Cussin', Cryin' and Carryin' On
27 Tommie Young - Everybody's Got a Little Devil in Their Soul

Links to Volumes 1-3 are here.

Cracker please.

Mitt Romney gets in touch with his inner brother.

Endgame

I spent a good part of last Saturday morning sawing and hauling firewood, a white oak that had died and fallen. Normally a tree that comes down of its own accord (storm damage not withstanding - and as an aside we didn't lose any trees in the big storm 2 weeks ago!) can be diseased and the wood rather spongy and useless for heat. But this tree had had a different experience.

The irrigation pond near the tree was carved from a natural swale about 10 years ago. "No, no, Froz," I hear you say... "Zin de Froz is made from unirrigated grapevines! I have heard you say this. Why did you lie to us?" Dear, insolent reader, while planting new vines they are irrigated as they establish a healthy root system. By the time they are in production they rely completely on water in, and grant the wine the flavor from, the soil.

As I was saying about trees before being so rudely interrupted...

Constructing the berms around the pond can be very disruptive to the oaks. I don't think damage to the periphery of the roots causes as much of a problem as building up the soil near the base of the tree, at the core of its root system. To our disappointment only slightly diminished by realistic expectation the leaves on this tree turned brown and fell early a couple of years ago. I vaguely remember it happening in early July but it was bare by harvest I'm certain. It looked quite dead.

A plum tree grew in the backyard of my fraternity in college. One night a visitor to a rather chaotic party behaved quite miserably by whacking at its trunk with the hatchet from the fireplace. It was this experience that led to my conscious effort hence to minimize the presence of obnoxious drunks with sharp objects in my life. This poor tree was mortally wounded but the following growing season, its last, produced glorious bounty the likes of which we had never seen. In spring it erupted in a blaze of white flowers and by midsummer its branches heaved to carry their fruit. By September it went to sleep and was never heard from again.

I thought of this plum the next year as our apparently only ailing oak opened the season with a lush canopy, delivered a profusion of acorns, then let go of life. I was also reminded of both of these trees when I read this story yesterday about a newly discovered palm tree species that flowers for the first and only time at about 100 years old, killing itself in the effort. Living things' disposition to the sentiment "By god, if I'm going to die I'm having me some amazing sex before I go" runs pretty deep, methinks.

Curing firewood is an easier process here than in North Carolina. The humid air back east takes at least 2-3 years to properly cure a dead tree. And the best practice if you have a live tree come down is to leave the foliage on; the stomata will keep open as the leaves continue to photosynthesize, literally pumping the water out of the tree. Only then is it the best time to limb the tree, saw and split it, then cure for 2-3 years. Here, one summer adequately prepares any dead wood for the fireplace.

I suppose it would have been a nice gesture to collect some of the acorns, make flour, and bake bread the way the Mi-Wuk did here years ago. Kind of like those magnificent plums. There are even some grinding holes down by the creek. This could yet be an interesting experience. But lore has it from an old Mi-Wuk friend of my uncle, who remembered acorn bread being made by her grandmother, that acorn bread - even expertly prepared - is thoroughly foul matter and no-one in their right mind would ever actually choose to eat it over another edible substance. So it's not real high on my list.

Instead, for now, thanks, oak, for keeping us warm and I hope it was good for you.

Do You Know The Way To Woursestershiyure?

You will not inspire the southern vote this way, Mitt.

Mitt Romney, appearing upbeat after his Michigan primary win last night, told reporters today he was confident he could secure the GOP nomination by focusing on states where he holds a strategic advantage over his rivals. [...]

But Romney added that he did not view the mixed GOP primary results as a sign of weakness among the Republican field: "It's an embarrassment of riches, to a certain degree....Voters are looking at a strong set of candidates and it's like they're looking at rocky road and pistachio and pralines and cream." (Romney, for the record, did not identify which ice cream best embodied his candidacy.)

Pralines and cream? Pralines and cream? In South Carolina?!?

{shaking head}No, no, no, no, no.{/shaking head}

It's called butter-pecan, for Christ's sake. Say: "Budd'r Pee-Can."

Lug nuts would still be acceptable.

Having already banned radar detectors, Virginia may soon ban trailer hitch testicles now that State Delegate Lionel Spruill has introduced a bill proposing a fine of $250 for any vehicle displaying replicas of human genitalia. Key quote:

"I'm going to do it," Spruill told reporters on Tuesday after the House session ended. "I'm going to bring them out here and show them to you till they tell me to stop."

Unfortunately, he's talking about rubber testicles and not his own, because that would be awesome. "If you don't mind seeing them on the highway, then you won't mind me taking mine out here in the Capitol Building, right? Oh look, it's noon. DEEZ NUTS ON THE TABLE!"

I'm wondering whether you could successfully argue before the court that the testicles on your truck's trailer hitch are replicas of bull testicles and therefore not covered by Delegate Spruill's bill? Maybe! I guess it would mean the Pubic Beetle is right out, though.

d20 pecan pie.

Awesome.

(via)

Jesus Christ Superstar

PBUH.

Seriously, though, Jesus is supposed to ride shotgun when the Imam Mahdi comes back? Weird.

Keep them doggies rollin'.

Three chihuahua puppies born without front legs get training wheels.

In a nutshell.

I haven't said anything about about Jonah Goldberg's magnum opus Liberal Fascism because: a) I haven't read it; b) everybody else has already said anything I might possibly have to say; and c) because Goldberg is so obviously an Olympic-level doofus spouting gibberish that picking on the retarded kid down the street seems more sporting. However, for elegance and succinctness in addressing Goldberg's "argument," I'll take John Emerson for the win.

Fascism is warlike; liberal fascism is wimpy. Fascism is macho and dominant; liberal fascism is passive and weenie. Fascist gangs rampage through the streets and beat up old Jews; liberal fascist gangs sit in libraries and discuss empowerment. Fascists are health-conscious vegetarians; liberal fascists are health-conscious vegetarians too! Fascists are nationalists; liberal fascists are multiculturalists. Fascists kill Jews; liberal fascists are Jews. Fascists are anti-abortion; liberal fascists are baby-killers. Fascists destroy labor unions; liberal fascists use unions to destroy schools. Fascists burn decadent art; liberal fascists produce decadent art.

See, it all makes sense, especially the vegetarian part.

Also, this is hilarious, if a bit like watching the first half of today's UNC-NCSU game.

Platforms

Obama is a Wii, Clinton is an XBox 360, Edwards is a PlayStation 3. Explanations here. I'd add that Kucinich is an Atari 2600 and Ron Paul is a Gnip Gnop.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I'm just amazed this didn't take place down here in the south. Washington state better quit stealing our stories.

A 66-year-old man shot himself in both his legs Saturday afternoon while trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut with a 12-gauge shotgun. [...]

Deputies at the scene reported the man blasted "double-ought" buckshot at the wheel from "arm's length," Wilson said. The deputies described the man's legs as "peppered" from his feet to his mid-abdomen with pellets, pieces of the wheel and other debris. Some injuries went as far up as his chin.The man had been repairing the Lincoln Continental for two weeks, and had removed all the lug nuts on the right rear wheel except for one.

"He's bound and determined to get that lug nut off," Wilson said, who did not know how long the man had been trying to free the lug nut.

Next week, removing graffiti from your propane tank with a flamethrower.

Make it stop staring at me.

I note for the record that intentionally creepy baby dolls are entirely less creepy than super-realistic baby dolls.

Eek.

Chilean papers have rather different standards of appropriateness, it seems.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

That's it, I'm writing in Jimmy Carter. (thanks, GB)

Update: While I'm piggybacking off other people's surfing, Mr. Sticky sent me this, which just goes to show that NC's Department of Motor Vehicles really needs to hire somebody with my, um, special skill set. If you don't know what this plate is referencing, you should probably consider yourself lucky rather than googling to find out.

Thursday Catblogging

You want some cool cats? I'll show you some cool cats.

Election of the Body Snatchers

Numbers

Following the Iowa caucuses, while people were talking of an Obama electoral tsunami, I kept insisting that Iowa had been a tie and nothing had changed. After all, the delegates awarded were 15 for Clinton, 16 for Obama, and 14 for Edwards. Now the media is falling over themselves to gush about Clinton's "amazing" win in New Hampshire, but again, it was a tie. The delegates awarded were 9 for Clinton, 9 for Obama, and 4 for Edwards, making the totals awarded 24, 25, and 18. Once you add in the superdelegates that aren't awarded by actual voting, the results are:

Clinton 183
Obama 78
Edwards 52
Richardson 19
Kucinich 1

That's more of a lead, but with the magic number being 2025, it really isn't much. Especially given that 1688 delegates are up for grabs on February 5. The news media has a lot of hours to fill so they will have talking heads babbling breathlessly about momentum and whatnot, but the actual results so far are a tie for first between Obama and Clinton with Edwards a respectable second and 48 states left to vote. If the roughly 35-35-20 split persists, then nobody reaches the convention with enough delegates to win on the first ballot and Edwards' delegate bloc is the swing vote. And he's announced he'll stay in until the convention.

Similarly, while the talking heads are falling over themselves to declare Romney fatally wounded and McCain steaming toward the nomination, the actual results so far are:

Romney 30
Huckabee 21
McCain 10
Thompson 6
Paul 2
Giuliani 1
Hunter 1

The magic number for the GOP nomination is 1191. For now, I assume McCain will take his neighboring state of Nevada and get waxed by Huckabee in South Carolina and who knows where it all goes from there?

Fright Night

Let me start by noting that all of the barn cats are OK. I have seen every one, although they have been a bit shy.

Sheesh, the storm made a mess of things up here. I came up this morning to see what kind of havoc had been wrought. The garage where the 6 cats live had a hanging / sliding 10' X 11' door, locked at both edges by inserted and padlocked steel plates, 4-gauge, doubled. Apparently the wind ripped this door off both hangers and stripped it off one of the padlocks. The other lock held. The door was in tatters, bits of wood and galvanized siding scattered all over the place. That 300+ pound door must have been flapping, twisting, pounding and cracking all night long.

The cats, all beautiful, semi-feral felines, thoroughly equipped to fend for themselves for extended periods - on prey quite nuisance to vineyards and gardens, I might add - yet loving of human company, find refuge behind this door. We store the tractor, the truck, the homebrew, the workshop, and all manner of odd end here, but this building is their lair. That racket must have been awful.

Coyotes and raccoons are frequent visitors. The coyotes do a job on the gophers and rabbits that can't be ignored. But Coyotes are an inherent threat to the cats. Raccoons will make a meal of kittens, but generally are less of a lethal threat to grown cats. However, raccoons are 3-5 times bigger than cats and show no hesitance to remind them of this fact. This building is the cats' safe haven and that door keeps danger out.

The night releasing a torrent of rain and wind that shook the house and smacked and batted the demolished castle gate effortlessly, like it was a paralyzed, defeated field mouse, must have sent terror into the hearts of these cats we love.

We took all day today and built another door, top priority.

Sweet lovin'.

It's candy time!

They call me Dr. Love.

The ever-photogenic Howard Dean has the cure you're thinking of.

Meanwhile, back at the Vatican.

The Pope is building an exorcist army.

My Vote

C-Span is showing both party caucuses in Iowa tonight. Might I just state now that Democratic women, from 18 to 70+ are way, way, way hot. Republican women, on the other hand, just behave very uninterestingly, i.e. Yawnsville.

Go, Girls!

Get comfortable.

Claustrophobes should skip on to the next story now.

And then it set in -- she and her mother were trapped inside a broken elevator in an empty Far Northwest Side building not due to open for two days. They had no cell phone, no water and only two cough drops and six aspirins for food. [...] The pair -- originally from Poland -- spent the two nights before Christmas Eve stuck inside the elevator on the first floor of the two-story building where they had gone to clean. In fact, only the chance visit by an employee of the building -- home to a physical rehab center -- likely prevented them from spending another two nights there. The center was not due to reopen until Dec. 26.

Giferrific

Station manager Ken cleaned out his gifbox over at WFMU's blog. Lots there, but if you click the link on an underpowered machine, you might crash your browser.

The two I found most entertaining were Military Signals and Endless, but the real challenge is how long can you stare at this?

50 Most Loathesome People in America, 2007

The Buffalo Beast presents its annual list. Special props for including the following.

32. The Founding Fathers

Charges: Lionized as moral pillars and demigods ad nauseam without the slightest hint of irony. Can't be judged by today's standards. Electoral College? Dumb fucking idea. Invoked by every asshole in the last two hundred years to support every stupid idea ever. The original liberal elite. Able to withstand lightning strikes and the British military; unable to fathom poor people voting.

Exhibit A: Owned wigs, Africans.

Sentence: Depicted as cartoons on rapidly devaluing currency; beaten at effective democracy by former monarchies.

The case for sterilization.

At least they made it her middle name.

Eleven seconds after El Paso started celebrating the new year today, Abigail Leia Taber entered the world and began what her parents hope will be a notable life. The first daughter of Star Wars fans Susana and Roger Taber, Abigail Leia Taber is expected to join her older brothers Lucas and Anakin at home on Thursday when she and her mom are discharged from Del Sol Medical Center.