How Helpful

An acquaintance once remarked on the economy of rural versus urban living that as a country dweller, off the public plumbing, at least I "didn't have to pay a water bill". Well, it ain't quite so simple. Several years ago, not long after painfully pulling my mortgage muscle to acquire a beautiful stretch in the country, I fell victim to a receding water table. A well on every five acres had taken its toll on the groundwater supply in this swath of rural North Carolina. There's not a hell of a lot you can do when your well runs dry. You've got two choices: drill, or move.

We went deep and hit a gusher, 65+ GPM, which was good. But it was full of sediment and minerals, which was bad but not as bad as if it was contaminated with microorganisms or other hazards. After installation of the filtration system, I got the clean bill from the health department. About a week later I got the $13,000 bill from the water company. All this, of course, added only marginally to the value of the real estate investment; any buyer expects water to flow from the tap.

So trust me, living in the country does not mean not having a water bill.

Fortunately now, as we wait for the real estate bubble to burst and a buyers' market to emerge from the ashes, our property manager dutifully pays our monthly water bill. This is karmic return; while our family is only twice the size it was in 1999, the addition of a 2-year and a 7-year old has increased the laundry and dishwashing requirements approximately 30-fold. At least. But this effects my budget none.

But the water does taste a little... funny. When we moved here two years ago, it was immediately apparent that we would need bottled drinking water. We shopped and found three competitors providing 6-gallon carboys, renting stands and dispensers if we needed. We tried one and stuck with the second. I found it disconcerting over the next year, however, that these 'competitors' were... 'joining forces' and 'partnering' in order to provide me 'better service'. A monopoly was on the horizon and that can really only mean one thing.

And I got it in the mail today. I shall quote: "Crystal Mountain Waters / Sierra Springs / Alhambra is introducing a new, lighter, 5 gallon, handled bottle." Oh, joy of joys! A gallon less than the 6-gallon bottles I'm used to. I feel so liberated from that extra 8 pounds of lifting per bottle. And what's even better, "these easy-to-use bottles contain the same natural spring water and are compatible with your spill proof cooler." I'm delighted.

Then I check the bill. Previously the cost was $8.05 for a 6-gallon bottle. Now it's $8.05 for a 5-gallon bottle. Hmm. A 20% price increase presented as an extraordinary customer service. Slap some lipstick on that pig, boys, and get her a date!