Doggedly searching for the crux of the biscuit.
I've developed a solid reputation as a grinch, because every year about this time, I start to feel bludgeoned by the endless, Clockwork Orange-ish repetition of the same twelve Christmas songs. I've discovered that it isn't so much the honest-to-God religious songs that get my goat, as those are mostly pretty and subdued. No, it's the frickin' non-denominational ones (particularly, for some reason, Walking in a Winter Wonderland and Let It Snow) that every single recording artist on Earth feels some sort of obligation to cover. It's bad enough that every public space in North Carolina is filled with some treacly lite-jazz version of Frosty the Snowman, but they pipe that stuff into the bathrooms at work, so that I can't even take a crap without Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer intruding on my quiet time.
Predictably, by this time of the month, I'm reaching the end of my rope and hitting Google Maps to find gun shops and water towers. Ho ho ho BANG ho ho ho BANG. Sleep in heavenly peace BANG BANG BANG! My wife and the rest of my extended family find this completely baffling ("you've had that same Elvis Costello album playing in your car for three weeks, after all"), and I can't quite explain it myself. It just is what it is.
However, Steve at The Sneeze reminded me that if more Christmas music sounded like this song, I could probably quit drinking myself to sleep every night from Thanksgiving to New Years. "What I love about it is just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, it does. By a lot. And it does this more than once, building to the most glorious mess I've ever heard. I smile every time I hear it."
Ahhh, I feel so much better. Happy holidays.
Sylvia has started singing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" on an infinite loop.
Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist at December 11, 2006 11:03 AMI know it probably makes me a less respectable person, but despite my general grinchery I really love Dominick the Donkey.
Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It's Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
I laugh every time I hear it.
There's no way this was submitted as a serious audition tape, but that doesn't subtract at all from its brilliance.
Posted by: Tarrou at December 11, 2006 12:56 PMI totally have the same response to Christmas music that you do.
Have you herad any christmas music by Alvin and the Chipmunks this year?
Posted by: lenhart at December 11, 2006 01:49 PMAnd Jingle-Bell-Oh-Fucking-Not-Again-Rock. And the Little-Shove-His-Sticks-Up-His-Ass-Drummer-Boy.
Posted by: Charles Watkins at December 11, 2006 02:51 PMAs far as I'm concerned, the definitive version of "Oh Holy Night" is the one sung by Cartman:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDb4EiYu3dY&NR
(Could someone remind me how to insert an URL?)
Posted by: Charles Watkins at December 11, 2006 03:10 PMLike so: <a href="(URL Here)">(Link text here)</a>
Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist at December 11, 2006 03:27 PMAw shucks, I'm still a sucker for Dean Marin singing old Yuletide classics, and Elvis too. Some of the old secular ones are butt awful, but you gotta love that Dean.
Plus, nothing beats Cheech and Chong's "Santy Claus and his Old Lady." Except for maybe the MacKenzie Brother's12 days of Beer.
Posted by: Jon at December 11, 2006 08:20 PMJaysus, i lost the ability to breathe while listening to that song, it was that funny. Thank you, kind sir.
Posted by: Susan Z at December 11, 2006 09:41 PMI swear it's the guy who does Brak from Space Ghost.
Posted by: Chopper at December 11, 2006 10:41 PMNo, it's the frickin' non-denominational ones (particularly, for some reason, Walking in a Winter Wonderland and Let It Snow) that every single recording artist on Earth feels some sort of obligation to cover.
I think what really bugs me about such songs as those is the manically chirpy cheerful tone they are required to be sung in: "Everything is WONDERFUL!!!! Hurray for EVERYTHING!!!1!!!!"
Posted by: M/tch M/lls at December 11, 2006 11:16 PMOne of the most disgusting things about 'Jingle Bell Rock' is that it is in no sense a rock song.
Posted by: Charles Watkins at December 12, 2006 01:03 PMChristmas songs are so much more acceptable if you're the one singing them. Especially the weird minor ones. Who doesn't get a kick out of singing "To save us all from Satan's power/ When we are gone astray/Oh, tidings of comfort and joy!" from "God Rest Ye"?
Posted by: Jackmormon at December 12, 2006 02:15 PMYeah, I love the carols that are in minor keys.
Posted by: M/tch M/lls at December 12, 2006 04:33 PMIf the songs get too bad on the nerves, read the 'Steve Don't Eat It' posts. If you've already read it, read it again. Culinary genius.
Posted by: mikefromtexas at December 12, 2006 09:30 PMThe major keys are fun too. I love singing "Good King Wencezlaus" and "Deck the Halls". Reminds me of Pogo.
Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist at December 12, 2006 09:50 PMHmmm, you have a good point. I don't know why "Deck the halls with boughs of holly!" is so much less grating than "O the weather outside is horrid . . .", but it is, it just is. Somehow the former is less overenthusiastic or sometheing.
Also, "Deck the Halls" reminds me more of Ralphie and family than of Pogo.
Posted by: M/tch M/lls at December 12, 2006 11:41 PM>Sylvia has started singing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" on an infinite loop.
http://www.threadless.com/product/356/Lost_A_Wheel?streetteam=tcritic
Posted by: joeo at December 13, 2006 04:08 AM"God rest ye merry gentlemen" is as proto-goth as i've ever heard.
"...to save us all from Satan's power when we have gone astray..."
man that's dark.
The oldest Christmas carol, though, is O Come o Come Emmanuel. That's in minor, too. And, come to think of it, sounds pretty goth too.
Posted by: Jon at December 13, 2006 09:13 PMMy own personal hell this end-of-year-season has been having to listen to Xmas tunes whilst at WORK. Oy. And the only "cool" station I found online (www.somafm.com - Xmas in Frisko) has decidedly non-work-friendly lyrics in some of its songs. But I found myself listening to it at home whilst wrapping presents for the Nashville Santa Rampage (this Saturday the 16th) and it totally set the mood.
Posted by: KJ at December 13, 2006 09:16 PMWow! want to see an awesome Christmas carol? Check out this Tió de Nadal song from Catalonia:
caga tió,
caga turró,
avellanes i mató,
si no cagues bé
et daré un cop de bastó.
ˇcaga tió!
More good major-key Xmas music, via the High Clearing.
Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist at December 15, 2006 11:44 AMthe national santa rampage. is that when a ginormous crowd of drunken santas careens down the streets shouting militatly, HO HO HO!! frightening the children out of their wits?
where do i sign up?
Posted by: jon at December 17, 2006 09:32 AMApostropher, this one's for you.
God that was awful. ANGBWE.
But speaking of rocking and bells, I saw the preview for this movie last night (before watching For Your Consideration, which is good), and it looks like it could be what we've long been waiting for: Heavy Metal Parking Lot for the Hip Hop Generation!
Posted by: M/tch M/lls at December 17, 2006 10:03 AMThe only Christmas song that doesn't annoy me is Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid. Which is ironic, because it's about people suffering and dying.
Posted by: Gaijin Biker at December 17, 2006 10:32 AMThe comparison song to Do they Know it's Christmas is We are the World. And that shit annoys the hell out of me, it's so goddamned stupid.
Posted by: Jon at December 17, 2006 12:50 PMHey, I like We are the World, too.
It's a good song, and I like the way the different singers' voices contrast with each other. But it lacks the gravitas of Do They Know It's Christmas.
Posted by: Gaijin Biker at December 17, 2006 08:28 PMMy little shopping street in an old section of Tokyo has been running Christmas music - yesterday I caught the Negro spirtual "Got Tell It on the Mountain", which I enjoy. I'm not counting on "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer".
With the stores all selling decorations, lighting and Christmas CDs, in many ways it almost feels like home.
They have this weird tradition here of "Chrismas Cakes". I'm not sure where they picked that up, but the bakeries are taking reservations. Used to be that they used that phrase as a label for single women who hadn't gotten married by 25. Now that more than half the female population is unmarried and average marital age is getting close to 30, I don't here that anymore.
It's also customary for guys to take their dates out for very expensive dinners on Christmas night - everything books up, even at $300+ per person.
Jammin with some friends this afternoon, I was reminded of what makes Xmas Carols so great -- they are damn easy to play and sound halfway decent. This might make them more appealing to amateur musicians than to listeners I realize. But you at least get the benefit of not having to listen to us attempt and massacre Pink Floyd covers.
Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist at December 17, 2006 09:23 PMHere is a solution to the Xmas Music dilemma that should be suitable to all parties.
Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist at December 18, 2006 10:05 AM