Doggedly searching for the crux of the biscuit.
I came across a page of "Bible Recipes" via blort and felt I should share. Oh, there's a few serious ones in there - Bulgar Rolls with Raisins and Onions, Unleavened Bread, et cetera, but then things take an unexpected turn. Most of the entries are not so much recipes as parables via dessert. Sort of. You've got your basics like Obey Donuts and Popcorn Praises:
Tell the children (or Youth and even Adults!) that we must obey God's Commandments and God's rules. The donut represents the letter "O" in obey. Let them know every time they have a donut, they are reminded to OBEY!
[...]
Show the children the unpopped popcorn and tell them that the kernels are like children who haven't found Jesus. [because you can't bite through them 'til the fires of Hell make them explode? -'r] Without the warmth of God's love they haven't burst to life.
Pop the popcorn.
When God's love warms our hearts we burst with happiness, and praises to Jesus burst out of us. We can't help but tell others how much we love Him and how great we think He is.
Eat the popcorn.
And you've got your more fanciful ones like Jesus Walks on Water (Sour Patch kids on top of cups of blue Jello) and Moses Parts the Red Sea Snack (red Jello, natch, and "Gold Fish snack crackers or gummy fish as the crackers get soggy"). Pretty straightforward so far, but then it gets... odd.
Throughout the recipes, Jesus is represented by a marshmallow a disturbingly large number of times (usually because they disappear when cooked - the crescent roll tomb is empty!), and I really have to question Sister Miranda feeding kids pieces of paper and magnets. I think that would make baby Jesus cry. I hope she was following the one-magnet rule. But I'm getting sidetracked here.
Old Scripture Cake is equal parts recipe and puzzle, and at the end you drizzle with it Burnt Jeremiah Syrup, which makes it worth the price of admission all by itself for me. My absolute favorite, though, would have to be the Easter Story Cookies. They're crucifilicious, and include instructions like:
Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was Beaten by the Roman soldiers. [Take that, Jesus! Pow! Pow! Pow! -'r] Read John 19:1-3.
Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27.
Mo-o-o-o-m, Timmy got to scourge the eggs last time. It's my turn! Very Calvinist cookies, those. If that's a little dark for you, like maybe you're Church of Christ or something, the Resurrection Cake is a little more upbeat and provides considerably more room for artistic license. Here are the last two instructions in the recipe:
Cut a hole on one side of the cake and put ding dong on one side of the hole.
Color the coconut green and place as grass on and around cake and or smash some shred wheat for weeds or anything else you would like to use direct with maybe some pre made icing flowers you could use white icing and or write on top of cake or on ding dong "HE IS NOT HERE". Or anything else you can think of.
My inner Beavis won't let me get through that first sentence without laughing and I find that the last bit is best read aloud after a pot or so of coffee. Kum ba yah and bon appetit, y'all.
Oh yeah, missionary dating, too.
TrackBackMissionary Dating is awesome.
I think the picture is Audrey Tautou, however.
Posted by: Michael at February 10, 2005 02:12 AMPersonally, I would like to see "Bartending with Jesus"
Posted by: Karyn at February 10, 2005 08:49 AMMissionary dating (n.): 1. how to be a bitch and homilize at the same time.
2. The process of going out with a cute guy, telling him Jesus loves him, dumping him, and then telling him that Jesus still loves him.
Did you read those tips? Sheesh. I wonder how many people she's turned to atheism.
Posted by: John Johnson at February 10, 2005 09:16 AMY'know, Jesus would make a pretty formidable bartender what with those liquid-changing powers.
"Hey! I ordered a seven and seven. This is a scotch and soda!"
"Not any more it isn't."
And would you have the chutzpah to order a Rusty Nail if Jesus was behind the bar? What about one of these? Could he pull a loaves and fishes and keep an entire bar of people happy with just a six-pack? It does raise some questions, doesn't it?
Verily I say, my child, thy face looketh most unlike this ID.
Posted by: apostropher at February 10, 2005 09:21 AMThrough the tears of laughter, I have to visualize Jesus as either the “Extra Virgin Olive Oil” in Christian cooking or like the lard in Southern cooking.
“Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was Beaten by the Roman soldiers.”
Ahhh, that’s priceless.
I was freaked out in "Campfirmation" when we had to cheerfully sing around the campfire "Eat his body, drink his blood, then we'll sing a song of love," but at least we didn't have to pound Jesus' nuts into a crumbly mess.
Posted by: Tripp at February 10, 2005 10:51 AMOh my God, I totally missed the "Missionary Dating."
I think the answer for the seventh tip, "What if he asks to come inside . . . " should be "tell him to wear a freaking condom!"
Posted by: Tripp at February 10, 2005 10:57 AMat least we didn't have to pound Jesus' nuts into a crumbly mess
That just about made me pee in my chair, Tripp.
Posted by: apostropher at February 10, 2005 11:00 AMCan't beleive I overlooked the Missionary dating website...she...can't be serious...can she? "Special thanks to Jeff for helping me set up the store. I don't love him anymore but Jesus still does." Then again, if Jeff is helping her market her dating technique he have to know he'd be getting dumped. *shudder*
Posted by: Karyn at February 10, 2005 11:33 AMAddon: Just read her "Questions" section. If she is serious, she's a superficial, egotistical idiot.
Posted by: Karyn at February 10, 2005 11:35 AMI would just like to say, "[c]ut a hole on one side of the cake and put ding dong on one side of the hole."
Oh, my gods. I think I have hurt something laughing at that. Not only is it funny in that Beavisy way - in which it's very, very funny - but it's also funny in that it suggests an essential misunderstanding of the hypothetical operation.
Man, I keep puttin' m'ding dong to one side of the hole and nothin' happens! Maybe I should put it in the hole? I dunno. Jeb, what's th'scriptural prec'dent fer ding-dongs 'n holes?
Posted by: Robust McManlyPants at February 10, 2005 11:36 AMSweet Jesus, kiss my feet
Who are you to look at me?
I am hot, and you want me
Everybody wants my body.
Don't mess with the missionary hot chick!
Posted by: John Johnson at February 10, 2005 01:19 PMYou know, this missionary dating sounds a lot like the Flirty fishing technique practiced by the Children of God, except that they actually slept with people.
Posted by: John Johnson at February 10, 2005 01:24 PMI just checked out the Missionary Dating site's message board. Name of the newest registered user: buttplug (a habitué of Divine Interventions, maybe?)
Posted by: Plummet at February 10, 2005 06:17 PMI like the delicate homeroticism of the picture of Judas kissing Jesus on Date to Save's page of dating tips. . . "Master!" "That's him!"
~kk.
Posted by: at February 10, 2005 07:50 PMLove to discuss the Bible with you.
Come visit me.
Terry Finley
http://clearcutbiblestudies.blogspot.com/
"Dating to Save People from Hell"
From what I remember, dating was hell.
If y'all haven't taken the time-- please read the message boards from the message boards. Oh, the hypocrisy and humor to be found in there.
One poor girl, with a Muslim boyfriend and some Christian confusion.
"I know, it's really tearing me up. The more I think about it the more I think I just HAVE to convert him, what other options do I have?"
So many sheep.
Posted by: Steph at February 11, 2005 09:53 AM