It Only Hurts When I Laugh

(Cross-posted at The American Street)

Wander around this site for any length of time and you'll know I'm mostly in this for my own amusement. More than anything, I like to laugh and I don't hold much truck with sacred cows. They all look like steak. Do I laugh more at Republicans? Well, sure. They're funnier because they just believe the damnedest things. Last week, though, each side's Ministry of Virtue was at Red Alert.

Republicans were awarded the merit badge for manufactured outrage after seldom-funny comedienne Whoopi Goldberg made an off-color joke about the double entendre inherent in the president's name. Set aside for a moment the fact that every single person you know and every single person they know had already heard some tired variant of it. In the 80s. The gist of the gnashing of teeth was that somebody had made a dirty joke involving the president in a political setting. Can't imagine when that would have happened previously, aside from every minute of every day from 1993 to 2001.

On the other side, hackles were raised after Arnold Schwarzenegger referred to his legislative opponents as "girly-men." Straightaway began the hue and cry of homophobia. But let's be honest: if Arnie was a Democrat, you know what we would all be saying. It's a line from a Saturday Night Live skit that makes fun of . . . Schwarzenegger. He's poking fun at himself, the same way he does when he drops conspicuously corny movie catchphrases into speeches. Interpreting the latest remark as homophobic rather than clumsy joking misses the mark here.

Humor is a powerful political weapon when it is wielded with skill. The biggest knock on Al Gore's 2000 campaign, that he was wooden or stodgy, could just as well be recast as humorless. Gore cracked jokes about his inability to crack jokes. Points awarded for being meta, I suppose, but it wasn't ever funny. Following Clinton, who had excellent timing and was quick enough on his feet to wing it, Gore suffered badly by comparison. Bush does adequately reading jokes, employing an understated delivery that fits the material he's handed, but his off-the-cuff humor shows a streak of gratuitous meanness that isn't nearly as endearing as his tongue-tied bumpkin schtick. Case in point: Karla Faye Tucker.

Kerry, of course, doesn't peg very high on the laughmeter. "And I say to you now: take my wife Teresa . . . please." The most wince-inducing example so far was during his interview with Tim Russert, which included video of Kerry's 1971 testimony before Congress followed by an exquisitely awkward exchange:

LT. KERRY: [video] There are all kinds of atrocities and I would have to say that, yes, yes, I committed the same kind of atrocities as thousands of other soldiers have committed in that I took part in shootings in free-fire zones.  I conducted harassment and interdiction fire.  I used 50-caliber machine guns which we were granted and ordered to use, which were our only weapon against people.  I took part in search-and-destroy missions, in the burning of villages.  All of this is contrary to the laws of warfare.  All of this is contrary to the Geneva Conventions and all of this ordered as a matter of written established policy by the government of the United States from the top down.  And I believe that the men who designed these, the men who designed the free-fire zone, the men who ordered us, the men who signed off the air raid strike areas, I think these men, by the letter of the law, the same letter of the law that tried Lieutenant Calley, are war criminals. [End video]

MR. RUSSERT:  You committed atrocities.

SEN. KERRY:  Where did all that dark hair go, Tim?  That's a big question for me. [laughs]

Uh, you may want to work on your timing, Senator. Your segues are a little jarring.

The good news is that vice presidential candidates have often provided humor. The bad news is that they have not often done it intentionally (coughQuaylecough). John Edwards has been okay, announcing his candidacy on The Daily Show, and he's decent in the late-night milieu ("Lady, that is one ugly baby."). I suspect he could be funnier if it didn't undercut the whole earnest thing he's working. Still, I'll bet he's funnier drunk than Bush is. Aaaand then there's Cheney, hunched in the corner, snarling and taking names. A laugh riot, that guy is.

All in all, we're staring at the prospect of a profoundly unfunny campaign, due not just to the personalities in the mix, but also the dangerously high stakes involved. The Bush Administration has proven to be wildly divisive, and tempers on each side are short all over the country. Roll your eyes, groan, shake your head, but take a joke. You'll feel much better afterwards, I promise.

I'll end with one you've probably heard, but one that sums up the Bush presidency as well as anything else I've read.

A 70-year-old Texas rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a Post Turtle."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he explained, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."