Doggedly searching for the crux of the biscuit.
Any day now, Ralph Nader will begin complaining about not being invited to the presidential debates (followed shortly, one would think, by Michael Badnarik, the Libertarian nominee). The complaints will, of course, fall on deaf ears outside their own choirs. 24 years ago, Ed Clark led the Libertarians to break the magic 1% bar in the Carter-Reagan race, and they haven't been back to such lofty heights since. The 2.75% of the vote that Nader took in 2000 will certainly seem like a lot compared to what he pulls this November. I suppose one could argue that being excluded from the debates contributes to such low showings, though I doubt that spotlight would flatter either.
Anyhow, if those low vote-getters should qualify, then where does one draw the bar? There are a boatload of candidates running for president each time out and giving them all a go at it would make the debates look like a high school marching band performance. But fair is fair, so I thought I'd give some shouts out to a few of our more, uh, colorful tickets in 2004 that won't be fielding any questions from Jim Lehrer.
The American Party
Diane Templin heads the ticket for the AP, which seem more or less to be libertarians that love the Old Testament, oppose abortion, and consider homosexuality "a plague sweeping the nation and creating a wave of disease and immorality." Oh, and they want to take back the Panama Canal.
The Constitution Party
Former Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore and his Holy Boulder flirted with a run on the CP's ticket, so you know what to expect. Specifically, that would be the words "God" and "Biblical" appearing about every tenth word in any party document. Mike Peroutka, a lawyer and "Biblical-Constitutionalist" educator from Maryland heads the ticket. Oh, and they want to take back the Panama Canal, too.
The Peace and Freedom Party
Definitely not spending big bucks on web designers, the PFP has cause celebre convicted murderer Leonard Peltier as their standard-bearer this year, replacing cause celebre convicted murderer Mumia Abu-Jamal, who declined the nomination. Peltier's running mate is his lead criminal defense attorney. 'Nuff said, I think.
The Personal Choice Party
After a foreshortened bid for the Libertarian's VP nomination, Charles Jay decided that was too mainstream or something and decided to form the PCP instead. The PCP is kinda like the Libertarian Party, but with a particular emphasis on gambling and boxing. Marilyn Chambers is his running mate. Yes, that Marilyn Chambers.
The Prohibition Party
The oldest third party still exists, barely, and with the most bare-bones party website you'll ever see. After winning a whopping 208 votes nationwide in 2000, the PP had a schism, so while temperance lecturer ("reenacts early-1900s evangelist Billy Sunday's 'Sermon Against Alcohol' ") Gene Amondson is the official nominee, longtime party head and campaign button manufacturer Earl Dodge is running on a renegade PP ticket, trying to gain ballot access in Colorado. The whole story is too weird to summarize, but it's worth a read. Also, they advocate a return to the gold standard, but don't mention Panama. I suspect they want it back too, though.
The Judean People's Front
Or is that the People's Front of Judea? Anyhow, the Socialist Party USA, the Socialist Equality Party, the Socialist Worker's Party, and the Workers World Party are splitting the windmill-tilting vote, but the SWP gets extra credit by nominating two people ineligible to hold the office, since Roger Calero isn't an American citizen and his VP choice is only in her 20's. Strategery.
But those are just the guys with fancy-schmancy, high-falutin' parties behind them. The real fun begins with the independent and write-in candidates. A few of my favorites from the long list:
AJ Albritton - "The American candidate who is also the Victorian Candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model Victorian Era -- from the male point of view."
Sterling D. Allen - His candidacy this year was foretold by Alphabetic Bible Code and is essential to averting WWIII.
Harry Braun - His vision revolves around constructing a fleet of oceanbound windship hydrogen production systems.
Jack Grimes - Head of the United Fascist Union, his website includes a transcript of a speech he delivered in 1998 to the Flying Saucer Society of Dover, DE.
Andrew Rotramel - Promises to offer Noam Chomsky the position of National Security Advisor. Poor speller.
Average Joe Schriner - "Joe Schriner is average height (5'10") and average weight (155). He went to an average college (Bowling Green State University in Ohio) where he got average grades. He has an average size family (two kids) and lived in an average Midwestern town (Ripley, Ohio). The last couple of years, however, he did a not-so-average thing. He ran for President..."
Lawrence Rey Topham - Perhaps the most genuinely nuts candidate in the list, Topham has refused to even touch the fake U.S. currency since 1981 and single-handedly declared martial law in Utah in 1997. He is now "Secretary of State of the State of Utah and Acting Governor during martial law." Also, his favorite food is wheat.
Da Vid - A $33 donation will get you a membership in his new Light Party, along with a New Age CD and music video.
Tom Wells - Can't tell what's on his head in the picture, but Wells' site contains a lot of words, many of them in ALL CAPS. He is running because God appeared to him in his bedroom a decade ago, starting the conversation thusly: ""TOM ----- TELL MY PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE TO TELL THEIR PUBLIC OFFICIALS THAT THEY ARE PREPARED NOT TO PAY THEIR TAXES UNTIL ABORTION IS NO LONGER PUBLICLY FUNDED."
AJ Wildman - The Hemp Candidate.
TrackBackEvery family, I'd guess, has their proud, quirky, possibly-apocryphal trivia tidbits. On my Mom's side, it's that her great-uncle or some such was the Prohibition Party's candidate.
On my Dad's side, we're Kennedys.
Posted by: DugSteen at June 24, 2004 11:15 AMAnyone who saw David McReynolds, who was running on the Socialist Party USA ticket in 2000, on Politically Incorrect knows that one of those "small candidates" can really liven up the debate.
We have also seen firsthand that getting in the debates and having massive tv exposure can result in double digit returns- 1992.
Anyone on the ticket in enough states to win should be in the debates. It is hard as hell to get on all those ballots- too hard in many states, where the guidelines make it near impossible to be on the ballot if you are not (D) or (R). It should be reasonably possible for a candidate to get on the ballot in all states- and then having gotten on enough ballots to theoretically win--- a podium at the debates should be a given. Period.
There is no legitimate reason to exclude either the Greens or the Libertarians from the debates.
The major parties have this system in a stranglehold. As the only players they can feel free to shape the rules to exclude outsiders while they themselves drift farther and farther from anything close to the mainstream ideas of this country.
The majority in this country support universal healthcare, lean toward medical marihuana, are pro-civil liberties. The "majors" are out of touch, offer canned sound-bites manufactured by advertising experts.
Good thing they control the strings, or they'd be in a world of hurt.
Anyone on the ticket in enough states to win should be in the debates.
You're right, of course, but that's beside the point. Until we have instant run-off voting and/or proportional representation, all third parties do (in national elections) is split the vote of the major party they're more closely akin to, possibly throwing the election to the major party they're more opposed to.
Posted by: fiend at June 24, 2004 01:54 PMActually, it is the point.
There will never be instant run-off voting and/or proportional representation unless and until third parties are allowed on the ballots, in the debates, and they "spoil" the elections for the majors in a big way.
It is the ONLY way reform will happen. Otherwise it will not be allowed by the controlling parties- it's not in their interest.
Look at the Democrats- they have been shouting "spoilers!" for years now; but what have they done to fix the situation?
IRV? NO.
Fix felon disenfranchisement? NO.
Scream "spoilers!" and keep third parties off the ballots and off the debates. YES. (same old same old)
In my state they have made it, this year, even harder to get on the ballot as a third party or independent.
My goodness. You guys are making, like, serious points and stuff. I had really just intended this post to be a fluff piece about the more amusing tickets out there. Perversely - and I realize what a minority I stand with here - I'm kind of a fan of the two-party system, though I sympathize about the unfairness of ballot access laws in many states (particularly here in NC). I suppose I should write a serious post about that...
Posted by: apostropher at June 24, 2004 02:50 PMI clicked on Tom Wells, and even clicked through to find out who could or could not donate to him.
He gets points for including tobacco and alcohol in his list of demonized substances. I have to wonder why only male homosexual activites are banned, yet female activities are okay? Also, only males are expected to withold their taxes.
How did you generate this list?
Posted by: Tripp at June 25, 2004 11:17 AMI have to wonder why only male homosexual activites are banned, yet female activities are okay?
Do you really have to ask?
How did you generate this list?
Oh, it's more or less ripped off from politics1.com. Click the links on "boatload of candidates" and "independent and write-in candidates." The latter has several other, um, interesting candidates, but I stuck to the ones with working websites and good humor potential.
Posted by: apostropher at June 25, 2004 11:56 AMJack Grimes is a good man, who loves Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein. The UNITED FASCIST UNION will do wonderful things for America once we get in government.
VOTE FASCIST 2004!
HEIL GRIMES!