Republicans, you have options.

One of Bush's "rivals" for the Republican presidential nomination is Manchester, New Hampshire's Robert Edwards Haines, who also ran in 1992 and 1996 (picture here). He had 15 minutes of fame in 1994 when, while campaigning in DC, he tackled a gunman that opened fire on the White House. The link on his name above goes to a 2003 interview by the Dartmouth Review that may give you a hint to his worldview beyond the standard pro-gun, anti-tax rhetoric.

TDR: What are some of these moral issues?

RH: Well the infiltration of the Church's body by the Dark Side okay? This is not by coincidence that all these things are happening. This is a deliberate attempt by the Dark Side to infiltrate the church. [They're] organizing a deliberate attempt for them to take over churches and to take over seminaries, and use children and so on and so forth. This is not a coincidental thing; it's an organized thing, an organized cover-up, etc., etc. It's all organized.

TDR: What is the "Dark Side"?

RH: People working for Satan himself. Yes, the Dark Side, they are working for Satan. These people are not worshipping God, the most High, the most Almighty, or Jesus Christ. They are doing the work of the Devil--Satan himself.

My goodness. Well, I suppose somebody has to stand up to the roaming clandestine armies of Satan. Mr. Haines, though, might not be the ideal candidate to confront them since he seems to have a touch of the devil in him, too.

Haines [...] is being held at Rappahannock Regional Jail after telling a police officer that he would "kick his ass and cut off his dog's head," police spokesman Jim Shelhorse said.

For two weeks, Haines had been passing out fliers here declaring his presidential bid. Police have escorted him away from several places after people complained he was bothering them, Shelhorse said. Last week, he was arrested on a public drunkenness charge, Shelhorse said. On Wednesday, Haines was grabbing women as they walked by and inviting them to a private, female-only meeting, police said.

Officer Brian Bettis told Haines that his car had been parked for four hours in two-hour parking, and he was going to get a ticket, Shelhorse said. That is when he threatened Bettis and his police dog. Haines took off his coat and cowboy hat and put his fists up, Shelhorse said, which prompted police to spray him with pepper spray before he surrendered.

I'm torn. Of the preceding three paragraphs, which one has the closing sentence that paints the funniest mental picture?