The giant shrimp is on!

Their conspiracy uncovered by your relentless apostropher, the Masters of the Dark Realm at Long John Silver's corporate headquarters have relented and agreed to make good on their word. The Martian ocean was discovered and now, my fellow Americans, we will have our free giant shrimp.

"This is the big announcement that Long John Silver's has been waiting for since January - that there is evidence of a past salty sea on Mars," said Mike Baker, Chief Marketing Officer for Long John Silver's, Inc. "We can't wait to celebrate NASA's out-of-this-world success, and there's no better way to recognize their giant accomplishments than with free Giant Shrimp for America."

On Monday, May 10, between the hours of 2 p.m. and 5 p.m., customers can stop by any participating Long John Silver's restaurant and enjoy a free Giant Shrimp (one piece per customer).

Long John Silver's President Steve Davis [pictured below, struggling to keep a giant shrimp away from his jugular -a] sent a personal letter to NASA Administrator Sean O'Keefe, congratulating NASA on their discovery.

"We've been following the Mars Exploration project since the beginning," Davis wrote, "and we've been anxiously awaiting word of evidence of an ocean on Mars. The rovers have been extremely busy since they arrived on Mars - they've had 'plenty of things on their plate.' Now, with the discovery of ocean water, America can add one more thing to its plate - free Giant Shrimp."

Davis ended the letter by writing, "This is one small step for man, and one giant leap for Giant Shrimp." He also again expressed interest in Long John Silver's becoming the first seafood restaurant on Mars.

Baker added that the Giant Shrimp giveaway is the perfect way to celebrate NASA's historic discovery, which has taken place at the same time Long John Silver's Giant Shrimp introduction has been one of the most successful product launches in company history.

"NASA is making history on Mars and Long John Silver's is making history here on earth," added Baker. "Our faith in NASA has paid off. Their giant accomplishment calls for Giant Shrimp."

But don't think they aren't pissed about my calling them out. On May 10th, I will be over the Atlantic Ocean (what irony) flying home from Italy and will be unable to collect what is rightfully mine as an American.

Bastards. Giant, succulent, batter-fried, vindictive bastards.