The Homosexual Agenda

If you haven't been living in a cave for the past few weeks, you have doubtlessly heard the usual suspects inveighing in apocalyptic voices about the sinister "homosexual agenda" being pushed on them quite against their will by activist Massachusetts judges, metrosexual mayors, teachers' unions, flouridated water, John Kerry's forehead, and Bill Clinton's penis. However, nobody is ever very clear about exactly which line items constitute said agenda. Luckily for me, I have no shortage of friends who, since they can't marry, have plenty of free time to attend the gay Star Chamber meetings. One of them emailed me a copy of the latest draft of the Homosexual Agenda™. Having smuggled it out at great personal danger, he (damn - I've told you too much already) shall remain anonymous out of concerns for his safety.

Since it is incumbent upon every American to know precisely what they are supporting or opposing, I am reproducing the document here in its entirety. I realize the risks I assume in doing so. If I suddenly go missing or am found dead in the coming weeks, email Froz for details about donating to my son's college fund.

The Homosexual Agenda

• 6:00 am Gym
• 8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites, and mimosas)
• 9:00 am Hair appointment
• 10:00 am Shopping (preferably at Nordstrom's or Saks)
• 12:00 pm Brunch
• 2:00 pm Assume complete control of the U.S. federal, state, and local governments, as well as all other forms of world government
• 2:05 pm Destroy all healthy marriages
• 2:10 pm Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels
• 2:15 pm Bulldoze all houses of worship
• 2:20 pm Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media
• 2:25 pm Be fabulous
• 2:30 pm Mud mask and forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest
• 4:00 pm Cocktails
• 6:00 pm Light Dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and Pouilly Fuisse)
• 8:00 pm Theatre
• 10:30 pm "Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!"

So there you have it. They get so much done in a day.

Update (Mar 1, 5:25 pm): Apparently, the version I received was heavily redacted, as these things often are. Luckily, Betty Bowers ("America's best Christian") has the unexpurgated version.