Doggedly searching for the crux of the biscuit.
From the close of tonight's Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN:
Regardless of your feelings about Rush Limbaugh or Arnold Schwarzenegger, you probably noticed that this week's apologies for various behavior fell somewhere between outright contrition and outright defiance. A lot of people weren't satisfied.
Well, I don't want that happening to me if I get caught up in a future scandal. So I've created an all-purpose apology. All you have to do is edit it down to choose whatever response is best suited to whatever I have to apologize for. Are you ready? All right, here we go.
I'd like to make a statement regarding my unfortunate remarks. My regrettable behavior. My recent crime spree.
Yes, I have behaved badly. Broken the law. Failed to clean up my room. Violated international treaties.
My actions have upset my staff and crew. Women and Mormons. The great state of Wyoming. I feel I have no choice but to resign. Turn myself in. Return the monkeys as soon as I can find them.
Now that I've been caught, it's time for me to apologize to the woman. Six women. Twelve women, the midget and Michael Jackson's aardvark.
I hope now I can move on. Resume the people's business. Promote my memoirs.
Thank you.
Oh, I think you could do better than that. Let me help:
I'd like to make a statement regarding my unfortunate remarks. My regrettable behavior. My recent crime spree.
Yes, I have behaved badly. Broken the law. Failed to clean up my room. Violated international treaties. But I have never, not once, not for a second allowed any of my indiscretions to interfere with the fight against those who wish to take our freedoms away. September 11 changed everything.
My actions have upset my staff and crew. Women and Mormons. The patriotic passengers of flight 93. Turn myself in. Return the monkeys as soon as I can find them. Nine-11 brought about a change in the landscape that requires me to resign, nothing will ever be the same.
Now that I've been caught, it's time for me to apologize to the woman. Six women. Twelve women, the midget, the brave men and women of our military and Michael Jackson's aardvark. But let that day always be a reminder to our nation, to the world, why we fight in freedom's cause.
I hope now I can move on. Resume the people's business. Promote my memoirs. But I will never forget that horrible day.
I pray today's children will be tomorrows adults who remember this time not by my indiscretions, but rather by the atrocity committed by the evil-doers. Mark my words: we will overcome this. Together. That is what makes our nation strong.
Posted by: Erik Mattheis at October 4, 2003 02:23 AM