I'm just a biscuit-eatin' cracker.

Qasim Saleem, a PhD student from Loughborough University in the UK, believes he has found the crux of the biscuit through use of "a sophisticated laser technique, called digital speckle pattern interferometry." Not so fast, Qasim. We've got a linguistic problem here. Looks like what the Brits call a biscuit, we Americans call a cracker. This is a biscuit, my 'cross-the-pond brethren - soft, flaky, grease-soaked goodness. Still, it's newsworthy enough that the BBC is carrying the story.

The research showed that, during cooling, a biscuit picks up moisture around the rim which causes it to expand. But at the same time, it loses moisture at the centre, which causes it to contract. This results in the build-up of forces which are ultimately released in the formation of cracks or in the break-up of the biscuit. Mr Saleem said: "We now have a greater understanding of why biscuits develop cracks shortly after being baked."

Yeah, that's why we call them crackers, dude.

He said the findings applied to a wide range of what are known as "semi-sweet" biscuits, particularly low-fat biscuits. Unfortunately those used in the research were not fit for eating afterwards, "on hygiene grounds," he added.

I have no idea what to make of that last quote, but the very idea of a "low-fat biscuit" would send two thirds of the American South screaming in terror. The dogged search for the crux of the biscuit continues. Onward, crackers!