I'd show you my massive penis...

...but I'm afraid to get more than three feet away from the toilet.

This is the headquarters of Performance Marketing Ltd., one of the world's purveyors of so-called penis-enlargement pills. [...] But don't bank on the promised "three inches." There is no scientific evidence that any pill can enlarge the penis, says Franklin C. Lowe, professor of clinical urology at Columbia University. "If it were legitimate," he says, "I'd be a billionaire." What some customers might get from Performance Marketing's pills is a less-than-sexy dose of bacteria and other contaminants. Commissioned by The Wall Street Journal, Flora Research, San Juan Capistrano, Calif., conducted an independent laboratory analysis of a composite sample of 10 Performance Marketing pills and turned up significant levels of E. coli, yeast, mold, lead and pesticide residues.

The amount of E. coli bacteria - 16,300 colony-forming units per gram - appears to be particularly high, experts say. "I think it's safe to say it has heavy fecal contamination," says Michael Donnenberg, head of the infectious-diseases department at the University of Maryland. Although E. coli won't necessarily make you sick, Dr. Donnenberg says fecal matter, which might have come from animals grazing near herbal ingredients harvested for the pills, is prime breeding ground for all sorts of viruses, parasites and bacteria.

Oh well, back to Plan A, fellas. Or you could just take this guy's approach.

UPDATE (4:24 pm): Ogged at Unfogged one-ups me on this story: "If I've ever implied that you don't get shit for your money when you buy penis enlargement pills, let me say for the record, I was mistaken."